When Your Birthmother Wants No Contact

Wish on a Star

Is it right for birth mothers to not want contact with the child they placed for adoption? Is it right for them to feel as if they no longer have responsibility to the child they gave birth to after relinquishing their rights? Is it fair to say that birth mothers owe it to their relinquished child to make contact at least once?

Nothing breaks my heart more than when an adoptee writes me asking for advice on what to do when they have finally located their birth mother and she does not want contact. How can you deny your child, the child you gave birth to, from contacting you? What about the adoptees that spend their 18th birthday, one of the biggest milestones of their life, at their adoption agency (now that they are of age) to open their adoption file? Anxiously waiting, the adoptee is rehearsing her “Hi Mom” speech as the social worker sends an email or letter to the birth mother asking for contact, only to learn the birth mother denies all contact. There is nothing more heartbreaking than a child waiting 18 years for this day to come, to end up being rejected. This is far from a birthday wish come true.

Does placing a child for adoption mean that birth mothers are not responsible emotionally and physically to the child they relinquished, making it solely the responsibility of the adoptive parent? How can a mother that spent nine months carrying their precious baby in their tummy think or feel that it meant nothing, that no connection was ever made? I believe that is the hardest thing to feel as an adoptee when a birth mother wants no contact. What do you do when you sense the only cure to depression, anxiety, and grief as an adoptee is to connect with a birth parent? I’m of the opinion that any birth mother that feels that way is in denial and may be battling her own demons. By no means do I intend to insult birth mothers; these are simply my thoughts and those shared with me by other adoptees. A birth mother cannot simply place their child for adoption and think their biological child will forget them. In some way, a birth mother will always be viewed as a mom through the eyes of the child they placed for adoption.

Every single birth mother owes their biological child placed for adoption at least one face-to-face meeting. Yes, I said it — OWES. If face-to-face contact is too much, at least a phone call. You would be surprised how healing the sound of a mothers voice can be.  The sound of a birth mother’s voice can heal the past, insecurities, loss, grief, and so much more. Face-to-face contact can be the answer to every question and nightmare that has plagued an adoptee his or her entire life. Therefore, why? Why is it so hard to grant your child the one wish they have had in their heart their entire life? Is it the embarrassment or the shame? Is it that you think you moved on with your life? The truth is, if embarrassment or shame are holding you back from reuniting, you are missing out on a piece of the puzzle that will bring YOU peace. If you’ve moved on with your life, I would like you to take a moment and really think about that. Did you really move on, or when you are lonely and everything is quiet and still, are you battling the decision you made years ago? No matter how hard you try, you cannot forget or make it all go away . Your child will always be your little angel no matter who raises them.  They will always be in your heart and you will always be the star in the sky they wish upon every night.

This post was not created to offend any birth mothers. This was written to express to birth mothers how much you mean to the child who has always loved you and is searching for you. I pray, if you are a birth mother that knows that your biological child wants contact with you, that you open your heart to them.


Love and light to all of you.

Jessenia Arias

Read  this Q & A on an adoptee whose birth mother wants no contact on The Not So Secret Life of An Adoptee.

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When Your Birthmother Wants No Contact